Death and Taxes
Posted By GonZo Jenny on March 24, 2012
As I sit here in my new apartment alone, just me and the kitties, I have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness creeping down all around me. The divorce papers were filed yesterday and I find it disheartening to watch as the last 6/7 years of your life is shoved into an inbox for processing. I find it, shattering.
I always thought that when I got married, IF I ever got married, that it would be only once, and last forever. Such are the dreams of little girls looking for their prince charming. Every little girl dreams of the perfect guy for them. What their wedding will be like, the big fancy dress, all the people. I never dreamed of that when I was a child. I really only wanted to find someone that would love me, and be there for me, and with me.
There is never a perfect person for anyone I don’t think. There will always be those things that annoy the shit out of you about the other person, that make you want to tell them to go eat a bag of dicks, and those certain things that just make you want to stab them in the eye with a fork. We all, ALL have those things about us that others just can’t stand. It’s how we choose to deal with those things that sets us apart from everyone else that they have been with.
The last 6 weeks of my life have been spent in retrospection and trying to remember what it is like to be alone. I have friends. I have plenty of people that stop by and make sure I am ok, bring me some smokes or let me borrow their car if I need to go get groceries. Kind of hard to get your grocery supply when you only have a Harley as transportation. I am making due with what I have and I suppose it is working.
The things I dislike most about it, is sitting on the couch alone. Sleeping, alone. Not having someone there to be able to hug or to just sit quietly in the same room with. I find I am having a hard time dealing with this the most. I know I probably won’t always be alone, but it feels that way right now. I have always had a hard time being alone, but as a friend recently pointed out to me, that it is better to be alone than with someone and still lonely. I think he is right.
I guess I avoided trying to come to terms with the separation, the divorce, and being on my own again. It all came crashing down on me today, a few hours ago. I have gone through all of the normal emotional responses. Fear, hurt, anger, sadness. I am back to the loneliness part. I think that is the worst one. It is the worst one. The feeling of never having anyone to hold, or that wants to hold you. Someone that makes you laugh, and does stupid little things that bring a smile to your face. Someone that is there to hold you when you cry, and to hold your hair when you are puking from either sickness or drink. Everyone is looking for something that doesn’t exist.
You may be able to find some of the things you are looking for in some people, but never all of those things in any one person. Life is full of compromises and sacrifices. Some good, some bad. What I have learned tho, is never sacrifice yourself for anyone. Never compromise your integrity or your ideals of who you think you are. That is a recipe for disaster no matter how you look at it and things won’t last long if you do that. I won’t do that anymore. Take me or leave me, for I am who I am and I intend to find myself again, and keep a hold of it with every ounce of energy I can muster.
You lose a lot of things in a lifetime, but you also gain a lot of wisdom. Learn from your mistakes, because nothing lasts forever except for death and taxes.
